I’ve avoided writing for a long time now because I guess that’s what you do when you avoid your feelings. Haha. The past few months have been damn hard and still are. But things are slooooowly getting better. Which, I still don’t know that things should be “good” in order to feel joy. But this is something I’m learning about, and shall see what happens.
Now that I’m writing this, I’m not real sure what I wanted to write about. I only knew that I wanted to write. I’m listening to Bright Eyes as I write, an old band I listened to in high school. The lead singer doesn’t have the greatest voice, but it’s raw and he almost yells sometimes. His lyrics are so honest and it just sounds like he’s singing about whatever he thinks of on that particular day. Maybe that’s why I love the Avett Brothers so much too (maybe a little too much). Every song is a story, and so real and honest. That really speaks to me…honesty. And I know when I’m not honest with people, it tears me up inside. I think that’s part of the reason I’ve been so down so much, due to just putting on a good face for anyone and everyone. But sometimes I just couldn’t bring myself to speak of what I was going through. Sometimes I didn’t even know myself.
I started going to counseling last week. This is my first counseling experience, besides mentoring stuff. Isn’t that funny considering I want to be a counselor? It’s an interesting experience, and I’m trying not to be judgmental, but just open to what the Lord is trying to get through to me. Because I know I’ve been ignoring Him a lot, so why not listen to a couple of ladies who are listening to Him? Maybe something will reach me through them. That’s the hope.
I’ve been jaded and hard, and I’m sick of it. But it’s definitely not easy to change that. In fact, it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to change. And after trying everything that doesn’t work, I know counseling is a good first step. Man, what a vulnerable thing. I haven’t been very good at that lately.
I feel that there are good things to come. And even if there aren’t, even if there are more struggles to come…well, I think I will grow stronger and be able to face them. Lord, You are welcome here. Forgive your sinful daughter.